Newsflash: Flashier Tits produce more active sperm.

No kidding?

Dear Readers, the author of BV was initially stymied by the headline of a recent National Geographic Article: what, exactly, was new—or newsworthy—about this little gem? But lest you think that I am concerned with nothing but (ahem) titillation, let me clarify;

Male Great Tit birds with brighter breast plumage seem to produce sperm with greater motility, even when under stress. And how, you might ask, did the scientific world come up with this information? Scientific bird fluffers. That’s right: “At 7 and 15 days after the broods hatched… scientists trapped…males and massaged their cloacas—all-purpose openings found in many animals—to make the males ejaculate.”

Now there’s a job for all of you recent college graduates. Happy ending bird masseuse. Mind the cloaca.

In a stunning reflection of human reality show melodrama, moreover, it was discovered that because female great tits “cannot always get the [colorful] males they want… [they] will often settle for a less flashy mate.” But those females, yearning, so to speak, for the bad boys they crushed on in highschool, will sometimes stray, sneaking off for a lunchtime quickie with the flashy bird the bet at the local seed bar.

Dirty little birds.

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