Yes, folkes, despite rumors that the author of BV was raised by (hyper-literate) wolves, she does, in fact, have a lovely human mother, who celebrated a birthday today.
Mama, for your birthday I bring you the creepiest cat video to grace our fair pages… so far.
The purpose of BV has always been to inform, and now the author feels called upon to clear up some misconceptions floating around about the swine flu epidemic. We’ll start with a brief “scene from a paparazzi”:
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[exterior, Day. A celebutant stands on the sidewalk in Los Angeles]
photographer: “[Paris!]You worried about the swine flu Paris? It’s killing a lot of people in Mexico”
Hilton: [extended pause] … “I don’t eat that.”
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Some of you might be saying “well, Paris isn’t as dumb as she looks! This is a sign that we shouldn’t be eating pig!” But you all may need to brush up on your Pulp Fiction:
Besides, the swine flu, like all other flu varieties, is highly contagious but is spread primarily through contact with an infected individual. The CDC has a detailed brochure explaining the ins and outs of swine flu, including reasonable means of prevention and pharmaceutical options: http://www.cdc.gov/swineflu/pdf/brochure.pdf
…and this brochure is very clear that provided you heat them to the requisite internal temperature of 160 degrees, your beloved chops and belly are always…
So Paris, you can go back to eating pork… hell, you can go back to eating, because despite your misinformation, the author of BV is here to tell you that just as you will not catch the avian flu from eating chicken, you will not get the pig flu from eating pork.
But regardless of it’s charm, if you go around licking an infected pig’s snout, you’re on your own, kid.
Yes, folkes, its another “cute” and/or “crazy” cat video posts. In this installment, in order to spice up a potentially stale theme, prizes will be distributed to the first reaedr who can correctly identify both the song playing and each of the disguises, in order of appearance. “Yo mama” will not be accepted as an answer.
The entire premise of Bestiarum Vocabulum, as some of you might know, rests on the genre of the medieval bestiary ( or bestiarum vocabulum). It is therefore meet that we occasionaly visit the archives for entries, as part of an ongoing medievalist series.
Take, for example, the Ant-Lion, of whom Adhelm, abbot of Malmesbury (639-730) once wrote the following riddle:
Dudum compositis ego nomen gesto figuris :
Ut leo, sic formica vocor sermone Pelasgo
Tropica nominibus signans praesagia duplis,
Cum rostris avium nequeam resistere rostro.
Scrutetur sapiens, gemino cur nomine fingar !
I long have borne the name of hybrid form :
Both ant and lion I am called in Greek
A double metaphor, foreboding doom ;
My beak cannot ward off the beaks of birds.
Let wise men search out why my names are twain.
And why are the Ant-lion’s names twain? There are two possible answers. In the first, the Ant-lion is a large, fierce insect. This is likely Adhelm’s opinion, one shared by Gregory the Great ( Moralia in Iob, Book V, chapter 20, section 40), and Isidore of Seville (Etymologies, Book 12, 3:10), and other venerable medieval types.
But there is another possibility: that as the result of a mating between a lion and an ant, the Ant-lion has the face of a lion and and the body of an ant. And this, dear readers, is the interesting answer, made more interesting by its tragic ending.
Because the Ant-lion is at gustatory war with itself. Belying the Latin dictum “de gustibus non disputatem est,” the lion’s head will only eat meat, while the ant body can only digest grain. The ant-lion, divided against itself, inevitably starves.
Very sad.
… but the author of BV, as you might expect, is having a difficult time getting past the basic premise of this explanation, which is that an ant can mate with a lion. The mind. boggles. at that visual.
…and should any reader find him or herself with a bit of free time and a clever pen (ahem), renderings of said illicit act will be gladly posted in a future posting. But *try* to keep it PG13.
The author of BV, dear readers, is not happy. She is, in fact, deeply, deeply troubled. And all because what she is about to report confirms her deepest suspicions about order Araneae; spiders are, in fact, evil minions of the undead sent to take over the world. And let’s face it, with all due respect to the arachnophiles in the author’s aquaintence, they’re just pretty damn creepy.
A reporter for National Geographic News reported yesterday that spiders “drowned” in a lab “twitched back to life hours after ‘drowning.'” Yes indeed, dear readers (both of you), you read right. The wolf spiders involved in the study “twitched back to life after drowning.”
The researchers had only intended to see how long it would take spiders whose nests were subject to frequent seasonal flooding to drown, then leave the eight icky- little- legged corpses out to dry, so as to weigh them post-mortem. And so they did… but that, according to Nat Geo, “is when things began to get weird.”
Because once they had dried out, the spiders began twitching where they lay, eventually struggling effortfully back onto their eight icky little feet.
Researchers believe that these spiders instinctually enter comas in order to survive. The author of BV believes that they actually enter an alternate dimension in which they commune with the spirits of evil dead spiders, particularly those who have been variously flushed, washed, and hosed down drains in the human world, leading them to hold a grudge against the entire human species.
…But the spiders are not the only ghouls in this story: we should remember the University of Rennes (France) scientists (who from a certain angle resemble nothing so much as textbook sociopathic schoolboys) immersed 120 spiders in water, “jostling the spiders with brushes every two hours to see if they responded.” All with the express purpose of seeing how long it took these spiders to die. Just, you know, because they were curious.
Perhaps-just perhaps, and excluding the author of BV-some of us deserve to be bitten by evil undead spiders.
This video asserts the indominatble power of natural instinct over conditioning.
Filed under marine life, the strange and the beautiful, Uncategorized
Once upon a time, 101 Cane toads were deliberately introduced to Australia, under the premise that they would eat the beetles ruining the sugar cane crops, ridding the farmers and population of a costly pest. Yet as we have learned time and again, the road to hell is paved with non-native species. The population of poisonous cane toads exploded in Australia, the toxic toads started causing deaths of native species, and a variety of measures were sought to mitigate the new-and more obtrusive- problem, including:
1) Golf clubs (the author of BV cannot reccomend this, though she does understand the sentiment)
2)freezing
3) gassing
But now, scientists believe that they may have found “a more natural way” to kill these killers: Meat ants.
…Yes folkes, this is another one of *those* posts.
Meat ants, a carnivorous species native to Australia, have been observed eating cane toadlets, leaping upon them and devouring them alive. Or dead, however they find them. Unlike the native toad species, moreover, the cane toads have not evolved defences to meat ants as have their Aussie counterparts. Simply put, “they do not hop away.”
Not one to hook his wagon to just any star, the mayor of Darwin and Frogwatch coordinator, Graeme Sawyer doubts that these ants can come to the rescue, as they “just don’t eat enough toads.”
Who knows whether sending the toads to swallow the beetles, and sending the ants to swallow the toads will end in tragedy… But the author of BV is put in mind of a childhood song …
Leaf-cutter ants, or so they say, are all female. According to a National Geographic article, these ladies “thrive without sex of any kind—ever.” As evidence of this essential sexlessness, scientists cite the fact that leafcutters have evolved to the point that they reproduce only when queens clone themselves.
Indeed, one author of the study explains that the (typically muscular) reproductive organ of the female leafcutter ant (M. smithii) “has evolved into a ‘sort of a ghost of an organ at this point,'” and that no male of the species has ever been found. Were a male “theoretically to appear somewhere, we’re not sure they could mate any more,” she said.
The author of BV would like to offer a few observations:
1) Some among us would probably chuckle, quipping that it will be a fine world when human females develop the same ability.
2) But others- the more sexually driven, certainly- would retort that a life “without sex of any kind– ever” was not nearly worth the benefit of a life without fighting for the remote or the correct arrangement of the toilet seat.
3) And there the debate might end, with the simple conclusion of “I’m glad I’m not an ant” or “I wish I were an ant,” but for the third group- the more flexible thinkers and those who swing that way- who might question the scientists’ assumption that the lack of males (and even of internal reproductive organs) neccesarily means a “lack of any kind of sex-ever.”
Rather denotes a lack of creativity, from a certain standpoint…
These animalian commercials were produced by Capitalist Pigs. Get it? Pigs?
… the author of BV apologizes. That joke was not funny. Hopefully, these will be…
It is rare that the author of BV allows something to go (almost) entirely without commentary. This video, however, needs no snark; it is amazing, and stands easily on its own. A big thanks goes out to AVB for bringing this video to my attention: Thanks, Amy.
Filed under marine life, the strange and the beautiful, Uncategorized
Meet A-Bao, a hamster whose oneiric escapades have won him thousands of hits on the popular video-sharing site Youtube.
In the author of BV’s humble opinion, the best part of this video is the following [actual] comment left in reply to this video:
“is he really sleeping? not going to die on a hearth attack ore something? “
The next video is adorable, because the little guy is curled into a ball and keeps toppling over. In fact there are a number of remarkable furry balls in this video:
Again, A-Bao’s fans are erudite to a fault.
“his balls” replies another.
In the final installment of our series, A-Bao delights his audience by waking briefly, turning in a circle, and going back to sleep.
“is this a hampster?”
Seemingly innocuous, even if cloyingly sweet, yes? Shockingly, this video generated the most vitriolic of disputes about whether the protruding pink parts are in fact “his balls” or “hamster arse” [sic]. This exchange eventually led [inexplicably] to this little pearl of wisdom from “awesomelysweetcindy,” who writes:
“yeah, well [the videographer] probably wanted to put on some where wide so he/she could take a better shot of that cute hamster.
and who would sit on a hamster when it’s fur doesn’t even have the same color as the sheets”
Who would sit on a hamster when it’s fur doesn’t even have the same color as the sheets. Wisdom for the ages, folkes. Wisdom for the ages.
When British biologist Jeremy Wade finally investigated a 20-year history of fatal attacks in the Great Kali River between India and Nepal, he discovered that the local legend of a giant river monster devouring folks who went in the water (like one 18-year-old boy who was dragged down into the river by a creature “resembling an elongated pig”) was not far from true.
The author of BV would like to hereby encourage the Indian and Nepali neighbors of the Great Kali River to consider the American south, which boasts many lovely preparations of catfish: blackened, fried, and in a po’ boy, to name only a few.
Payback’s a bitch, ain’t it fishy fishy?
Some topics need no introduction; if you have ever “owned,” witnessed, or even been in a room with a cat, you will know that feline behavior is foremost among these.
Filed under common household pets, exceedingly cute, human behavior, parasites
As always, the author of BV seeks to bring you information that is relevant and revelatory regarding animal behaviors. News today is that a new species of weasel– the hypocritical amazonian weasel.
You may sign a petition protesting Amazon’s new unbalanced policies regarding “adult” materials by following the link below:
http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/in-protest-at-amazons-new-adult-policy
Filed under academia, rated NC17, Uncategorized
it's not easy, being green
Well, dear readers, I have recieved my first command performance, and am more than happy to oblige. Here they are, the amazing, exploding frogs.
FUNNY, dark, and clearly not American-made…
VERSUS … just plain sick. You can complain about the following video and it’s juvenile delinquent perpetrators by following the youtube link. Or you can hug your children more. Your choice.
Of course, there are actual exploding frogs out and about in the world–or, more precisely, toads. Wikipedia, everybody’s go-to source for questionable information, says the following :
“An exploding toad occurs when a crow, hunting for toad liver, attacks a toad which then puffs up as a natural defense. The phenomenon was first noticed in April 2005 in districts of Hamburg, Germany and near a lake at Låsby, Denmark, dubbed “The Pond of Death.” No other animals in the area were exploding.
What differentiates the exploding toads in these incidents from most other exploding animals is that they explode while alive. Exploding whales, for example, are a result of the buildup of gases during the process of decomposition.”
The BBC’s article on this topic is less certain of the causation, but the two sources agree on one important point: the name of the site where this phenomenon has been observed, i.e., the pond of death.
Pond. Of. Death.
The author of B.V. regrets to inform you that there are simply so, so many ways to go with this, that her head has well nigh exploded… exploded like a frog. Like a frog at the pond of death.
send help.
Filed under backyard fauna, human behavior, Phobia-inducing, Uncategorized
Bestiarum Vocabulum 